I’ve realized more often than not when I post something of my own musings on tumblr I attach a picture with it. Often, these pictures have no particular connection to the thoughts in question unless you are inside of the jumble that is my mind. I guess everything has become very jumbled lately. Right is wrong, left is right and blue is yellow. My well-laid plans. Always so well laid, no matter how much I like to fancy myself a spontaneous adventurer. They’ve all gone. Everything is in shambles—but not in a lie awake at night, cry myself to sleep, my life is over fashion. Maybe these are what are referred to as growing pains. I am at a pretty significant fork in the road. In a stand-still until I can make this decision for myself. Whichever route I choose, I’ll end up having to pacify someone. The true choice is whether I will make the decision that suits my needs or the needs of those who surround me. How can I choose between the sibilance of those I love and the quiet discontent in my own heart? What if this decision is nothing but a specious creation of my own idealism?
What is truly a beautiful mess about this conundrum of my own creation is realization of an enemy in my own self. All I can muster in regards to rectifying this situation is bemusedly stepping outside of myself and observing the mess that is my two incongruous possibilities. I have been praying. A barrage of prayers pleading for answers has been sent up—but while this offers me a plenitude of peace, it’s not making this any easier. I suppose I’m still smiling thus far, we’ll hope that sees this through.
